Happy Van Halen-tines Day

It seems this year, like every year before it, Valentine’s Day forces society to choke down the massive displays of crimson cellophane and boxed chocolates, white fluffy teddy bears holding heart-shaped pillows, and “I Love You”s printed haphazardly on tiny candy hearts with a hint of “minty” flavor (or is it?) But as it would turn out, this year feels a little lonelier for some.

A friend of mine (Jon,) for example, spent his Valentine’s Day with a group of us, since Jon is recently going through a divorce, after only two short (and apparently unhappy) years of marriage. The divorce was solely his wife’s idea, and needless to say, Jon’s been upset. Valentine’s Day only threw more salt on his emotional wounds. If I may, without getting into any further juicy details at this time, let me just say that, well, Jon’s a lot better off; and I’ll leave it at that. Some of us, on the other hand, refuse to be let down by a holiday that we don’t get off of work for. That’s where my buddy Justin comes in.

To combat loneliness, or to avoid giving into spending copious amounts of money on candies and plush toys, Justin dubbed February 14th as “Van Halen-tines Day.” This, in and of itself, is a slap in the face to a Hallmark holiday such as Valentine’s Day. To tell someone, “Hey! Happy Van Halen-tines Day!” not only boasts that you don’t give rat’s ass about Valentine’s Day itself, but that you also refuse to give into the self loathing “I hate V-Day” parties which are meant for people who obviously feel an urge to designate a day to feel sorry for themselves, thus giving us a reason to ask ourselves, why do they care? Yes, Van Halen-tines Day may just be another lousy replacement for an already lousy holiday (if I can call it a holiday) but on the contrary, it’s so much more. It means we get to have a Van Halen-tines Day party, listen to Van Halen all night long (just the David Lee Roth years) and dress in (optional) late 80’s rock band garb, while shamelessly rocking out, dancing, and eating food. You see, it simultaneously eliminates the whole idea of loved ones and flowers, and of recognition of loneliness or self-loathing; it’s just completely absurd, ridiculous, nonsensical fun.

So if you’ve got a friend like Jon who is a bit down in the dumps, cheer him up with a handmade David Lee Roth card, a little humor, and a discussion of the band’s break up. At least, hopefully, it will take his mind off of the heartbreak at hand. If you’re in love, good for you, but do remember that there are lonely people out there, and the last thing they want to hear from someone as in-love as you is that “they’ll find someone great soon too” because they are well aware that love doesn’t come easy, and they know it certainly won’t speed up their luck just because you said it would change. So all that bragging about what your certain-someone did for you that was so cute, - yeah, can it for now, unless someone is sincerely asking. And if you’ve got that other friend who love’s Valentine’s Day more than their own significant other, give them a swift reply, “Hey, happy Van Halen-tine’s Day to you too!” and ponder the look they’ll give you as you turn your back to go on your merry way to a party where everyone wears spandex (JUMP)-suits, singing along in unison at the top of their lungs “I’m so sad and lonely,” completely regardless of their situation. Finally, thanks to Justin and Van Halen-tines Day, love, loss, and lack-thereof can all be one again.