I need help with a title for this. Any suggestions are good suggestions :) I'm also looking for some feedback on if there's anything I should think about changing. Thanks!
She speaks in cursive. And it used to be the reason he loved her.
Now, she throws obscenities at him like sloppy snowballs.
They hit him, right in the chest. But not hard enough. They feel like a pair of rolled up cotton socks. She was never very good at speaking cruel words.
As her words loop and twirl -- like an unchoreographed dance -- out of her mouth, the mouth he used to kiss and the mouth he used to love, he's standing still. Like a figurine.
He can't hear her words, because his silence is too loud, but he can see them. Getting knotted together and not making sense.
He wishes he knew how to hear. And not just see. Because even though her words are ugly he’s almost positive that her voice is beautiful.
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7 comments:
Hmm, it's a little choppy I think. The flow isn't quite right yet. Also some of the sentences are kind of awkward like "She was never very good at speaking cruel words". At least I found it awkward. I like the idea of what you're trying to say, but it's like your words are getting knotted together and not making sense haha. Give it another try and don't stick to the same chunkiness of the ideas. I would like them to flow a bit more.
As for a title, only you can really give it that, but Speaking or something about air coming out of the mouth haha.
I like it a lot...I feel like the abruptness of the sentences - short, choppy, etc. - lend to the mood, actually.
"sloppy snowballs" is a great bit. "like a figurine," on the other hand, is a bit on the common side. unfortunately I can't think of something else for that spot right now.
thanks guys! both very helpful.
I personally really liked the end where you say he can see her words. It makes the beginning about her speaking in cursive take on a new meaning. I envisioned the loopy cursive surrounding and wrapping this guy up. Maybe have your title involve that since it kind of bookends the whole piece.
How's about for a title "Speaking in cursive"?
Sam, i thought about making that the title but bc i used the same thing as the first line im trying to find something different. I have thoguht of calling it "Pockets of Air" idk where that one came from. but i like b-long's suggestion about hte words wrapping him up. thanks again guys.
I agree with Mull and B-long. The abruptness gives the story what it needs. And your writing style is very accomplishing when using that technique, so I think it worked well.
Also, I like 'Pockets of Air' for a title. haha
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